Alice in 'No Wonder' Land

There I was newly divorced wondering how did this happen? How did we get to this point? Why is she better for him than me? I found myself asking these questions as if they were part of the Seven Wonders of the World. Well to me, at that time, it was. Anyone recently dumped for someone else knows what I am talking about. You know the hurt, the confusion, and the overwhelming feeling of just getting through the day.

But after several months of self-reflection on where I went wrong, I began to see that it was no wonder at all that we had ended up this way. Did you catch that? Let me repeat what I just said. I said, where I went wrong. I know what you are thinking. He left you, so why was it your fault?

Don’t get me wrong. Any one who cheats has a huge character flaw. There is nothing to debate about that. But here’s where, if you want to move on from the hurt, you have to ask yourself, “How did I contribute to my own divorce?” You have to hold yourself culpable to some degree, in due time of course. Bare with me as I make my point, because if you are at all like me, I’d be cussing me out right now and would be using this article to line my trash cans!

After realizing that perhaps I was guilty of ignoring the red flags in the beginning or that quite possibly I had jumped into something too fast at too young an age, I began to see that it was no wonder I was at this spot in my life. You know the spot I’m talking about – the center of the target waiting to take the next bullet.

I saw the warning signs before the wedding, but chose to ignore them. If you really think about it, maybe you did too. Maybe you ignored the excessive drinking, the drug use, the dead end job, the violent temper, the controlling behavior, or the wandering eye. The hardest part to getting a divorce, is admitting to yourself that perhaps you were wrong about this person when others warned you.

The divorce bull’s eye is no place to hang out, but it is where you will be temporarily after a divorce. It’s the spot where all the sole providers stand when they are barely scraping by financially. It’s the spot where all those who are overwhelmed stand contemplating what it would be like to have a life of their own. It’s the spot where the walls are caving in and everything around you is broken. In short, it’s the spot where you are stretched, pulled, striped, and tapped of time, money, and energy. It’s the spot where you stand alone.

Having a poor picker is only part of the problem. Sometimes a person’s character traits don’t manifest until later in life and you can’t predict the future. Not knowing enough about who you are before you get married is the other part of this equation. Spend time getting to know yourself before you jump back into the fire. If marriage taught you nothing else, it at least taught you this: Marriage will teach you what you don’t want. So learn from that and remember, in order to find your soul mate, you must first be in touch with your own soul.

You divorced for a reason and though you might like to believe this untrue, it wasn’t because you were 100% perfect and he was 100% flawed. Unfortunately, many people rush back into the security of a relationship before they have done the hard work that is required from being alone. Spend the time self-reflecting. It is essential to making a change within.

Everyone knows the divorce rate for first time marriages is 50%, but it is no wonder the divorce rate for second time marriages is even higher at 60%.

So where’s the map to Wonderland? How do you get there from here when all you can do is think about them and how sucky your life is because of him? Don’t despair. This map is within you. It’s buried beneath the surface, just past the anger. It is a treasure hunt to find it, but you must seek the treasure! The riches will reveal themselves from your struggles, that is, if you chose to learn from them.