Sunday, May 17, 2009

Getting The Closure You Need

Not getting closure is like only finishing half a prescription. Your symptoms will come back.

This is self-sabotaging behavior. The ending of a serious relationship can be shattering. You go though a grieving period and then try to move on. When you rush into another serious relationship too soon after the last one, you don’t allow the dirt to settle.

We are all a little dangerous when we come out of a serious relationship. We are on the rebound. It is at this time that people tend to be a little selfish, too. The most selfish thing to do is to jump into bed with someone when you just ended a relationship. It is naïve to expect that you are fully recovered from your past relationship. It is even more naïve for your new partner (known as the rebounder) to expect you to be recovered. The sex may be great, but it can just get in the way later.

Even when you wisely wait to begin a new relationship, there is no guarantee that someone from your past will not cast indecision on your feelings for this new person. However, by approaching the new relationship slowly it allows you to work out any unresolved feelings and issues from your past relationship.

Unresolved feelings have a strange way of popping up at the weirdest times. I remember dating a guy and being transfixed with his feet. They seemed foreign to me. I remember thinking, those aren’t my ex’s feet. It was then that I knew I still had a problem. We were embracing and he was barefooted. I remember looking down and realizing I wasn’t in the moment. In my mind I had been in the arms of my ex. The sight of his feet brought me back to reality and when I pulled away I wanted to run.

If you haven’t achieved closure, it is inevitable that the past will haunt you. But, if you have been honest with yourself and your new partner, the two of you should be able to work through it. If your relationship is strong and based on friendship first, you can get the closure you need in a mature way. However, if it is not, you can expect continued pain and heartache on one side and confusion and neediness on the other.