Thursday, January 16, 2014

Dealing with the Aftermath of Divorce

This was an article that was published in Details Magazine in 2008. Unfortunately I have lost the link to the archive, but here is what was submitted and published. Enjoy!

·       First of all alcohol is not is option! So, if you are still in love with your wife this is a painful experience. Just remember you are worthy. If your goal is to win her back just remember and it isn’t too late and stranger things have happened. I always say the only way to fight for love is to fight with love. It may kill you, but be her friend. Be her confidant, and be consistent with the kids.

·       Now, if you both agree it is time to move on, then just remember and be prepared for the sting. It is just human nature to react when you take the kids back to her and the new bo answers your door or is mowing your lawn. Just remember, to breathe. Remain calm and be as normal as possible. Your goal is to be a nice guy. It will make the new guy wonder why you split and it will work in your favor.

Then, go visit a friend and let it all out. Just get through it.

·       When your wife starts dating before you are ready to, start taking care of yourself. Do what you have to do to get yourself straight in the head. Spend time with your kids if you have them, work out, treat yourself to some small reward, keep life simple, and eat right.

·       Surround yourself with people who love and care about you.

·       Stay busy.

·       Take out a female friend. Sometimes just the attention and company of the opposite sex will lift your spirit.

2.  HOW TO GO ABOUT DATING YOURSELF - What are the rules to Re-Entry dating?
·        How to find Miss. Right.
·        You must first be in touch with your own soul if you are ever to find your soul mate. Figure out what gives you goose bumps in life. How will people remember you, these are the things that define your soul.
·        Join a gym, start a project, take up a hobby, take up a low impact sport (cycling…women love bike rides)
·        Where to go for a date.
·        I always recommend coffee for a first date. Coffee is something that is inexpensive and can be morning or night. After coffee, you can meander to a book store, or take a walk. Keep it simple. Picnics are a little too romantic for a first date.
·        How long should the date last?
·        In the beginning, the date should not last more than 2 meals…preferable in the order, breakfast, lunch, or dinner! Not dinner, then breakfast if you know what I mean.
·        What to wear?
·        Comb a Spiegel’s catalog or hit the mall. Sales girls love a dating mission. Bring breath mints and trim all probing facial hair!
·        Don't rush into anything.
·        Wait 2 good years before jumping into your next serious relationship. You wouldn’t buy a house without running a few comparables. So do your research; otherwise, you will end up with the same spouse who happens to have a different name!

These days there’s only a social stigma if you’ve been divorced more than once. So, learn from this experience. The divorce rate for second marriages is 60%.
·       Social settings that may get a little awkward for the newly divorced include sporting events for your children, dinner invitations that seem more like a set up, or work related functions maybe.
·       You’ll come out ahead if you act kind to your ex or take your personal matters up privately if you are both invited to the same function…for example a crab feed for a school fundraiser and both you show up with dates, but let’s face it, who can afford a fundraiser…you’re in the middle of a divorce, remember!

·        How do you inform?
I’m not a big fan of the shotgun announcement with e-cards. People send them for many reasons; one reason is so that you only have to tell the story once. But my friend, it is a personal announcement, so make it personal and tell your friends personally. You wouldn’t send an announcement if you were undergoing a vasectomy or hair transplant. So, my advice is keep it discrete and when the time is right, tell.
·       Who do you inform?
However, a few people need to know immediately: your boss, your children’s teachers, daycares, your children’s coaches. Bosses need to know so they can make adjustments to your workload and understand when you need a mental health day or two. Teachers and daycares need to know so they can monitor your children and if there are any court orders in place. Coaches need to know so they can get the schedule changes to both parents.

·       Who’s to say what motivates some one to go through, what I call, the PIG Theory after their divorce. For whatever reason, if you have to go through this just be educated about it. Know that you will get a reputation if you continue through this phase longer than the socially acceptable norm (4-12 months). There’s nothing worse than an ignorant Pig!
·       Don’t let your level of sexual activity exceed your level of commitment.
·       Date many people (not to be confused with screw many people). The last thing you want to do is jump back into a serious relationship and have a crazy girlfriend to contend with. You fought hard and sacrificed much for your freedom, so be smart.
·       If you find yourself going through this phase, then do the honest thing and tell the women you are dating you aren’t emotionally ready for any kind of commitment and it is, what it is. And guess what? If you score then you’ve achieved Pig status. Maybe you’ll get lucky and she’ll be in this mode too.
·       If you need the tactile touch of another, go get a massage before your date.       

·       This will just happen naturally. By now most of your friends that were single then are probably married now.
·       It only takes a phone call to reconnect with and old friend. They are not the issue. The issue is all of your friends are married making it hard to do things with them presently. So they may end up taking a back seat in your life for awhile. They will understand and your true friends will always be there for you.

·       The bright side to divorce is that you will establish new friendships. You will gravitate toward other people who are going through what you are going through. These friends become your pillars of strength and your support network. They are what I call, Chump Friends. They will relate to you better than anyone and will give you perspective…what you need.

Saturday, January 4, 2014

New Year, New You

It's the new year. Watch my video on a new you.

Thursday, January 2, 2014

Tomi's New Year's Resolutions

I don't think any of my resolutions are that crazy this year, but I thought I would share them with you nonetheless. I figured mayby by hearing mine you might be able to trump them, because like I said, they aren't too crazy.

Last year my resolution was simple: To get paid for having fun. I think I accomplished that. I love my job and I love to write. I will continue to add this goal to my list, but here are the few I came up with:

1. I think I would like to actively pursue date night again with my husbands. Did you catch that typo! I meant with my husband (singular)! Eek-gads, one is hard enough! We have a three year-old and my husband has a crazy work schedule. Going out without the little guy is tough, but I also have a teenager at home who is always willing to babysit—the perks of having kids ages apart.

2. I would like to tythe more. Is that how you spell it? See I don't even know, so obviously this is a good one for me. Up until now, charity has always begun at home. I need to change this and be more generous. One of my characters in my book, The Bird's Willow (which I am currently seeking representation for) says this about his relationship to money: I can't wait to make more money just so I can give it away. That's a motto I want to live by.

3. I want to spend more quality time with my family. I'm in the process of defining what this means. We spend a lot of time together at home playing with the little one, but I think we need more of a balance of getting out together more too. I need to feel less guilty about growing as a writer when it takes me away from them. Haven't found the balance yet.

4. I want to reach more people who are experiencing divorce and the aftermath.

5. I want to help my husband more so he can work less and have less stress in his life.

6. I want to see my parents more. I am 2% of the adult population who's parents are still married and still living. I should be so lucky to have that!

7. I want to do more to give my children rich environments for their creative and academic talents and nurture them.

8. I want to grow and nuture my relationships with friends and colleagues. Would love to have more parties in 2014. Maybe I'll come up with some theme parties just to get us all together.

9. I want to read more books and watch more movies in 2014.

10. I want to write another book and screenplay in 2014.

Send me your new years resolutions. Truthfully, I didn't have any until I sat down and wrote this. I came up with all of these in about 15 minutes and I could still come up with more. Try it. It will be good for you and you'll be glad you did it.

Most of all have a happy New Year!